Run It Out

Since I was about 11, I have been running. No doubt I started because I had been watching my dad run, and soon after that my sister, since I was even younger. It was in my programming to start running sooner or later.

When I was younger, I had, to put it lightly, a bad temper. On top of that, I was taking pills for epilepsy that made me tired and cranky. To put it lightly, I was no walk in the park. However, the one time that none of that mattered is when I strapped on my sneakers and set out for a run. For me, that feeling of complete emotional standby while running still stands. It's my way of dealing. It's my way of getting an adrenaline shot that can neutralize all the bad, even if just for a few miles. 

This March, I'll be running my third half marathon, this time in Jerusalem. I decided that this time, I would run with a higher purpose: to help raise awareness for Twist Out Cancer. I feel really connected to the message Twist Out Cancer stands for, which is that no matter how bad things feel, there is a way to express and gain support and understand. It's like a shot of adrenaline on a bad day. It's the run that neutralizes the emotional overload that we all bare. 

I challenge everyone to find an outlet for  the bad, to find the adrenaline to keep you going when days go sour. 

Run it out, twist in out, chase out the negativity and reel in the positivity, we'll all be better for it. 

Here is a link to my fundraising page, 

every penny helps!

https://www.crowdrise.com/RunOutCancerwithTwistOutCancer/fundraiser/jacquiezaluda

Done Wasting Time

I have not written in a long time because I think subconsciously I thought that I did not have anything to write about. Sure, I went through a lot of changes since I last wrote. I switched jobs, went through a tumultuous summer to say the least, moved apartments, flew home, and have been trying to build my life with all these new circumstances. However, the fact is that deep inside, I was going through my all too familiar state of self doubt in the decisions I have made up until this point. 

I have written quite a bit about decisions and how the slightest of choices we make during the day can drastically change the path our lives take. The topic of decisions is familiar to me seeing that I have made a number of very big and very fast decisions in my life, more specifically in the past nearly 5 years since moving to Israel. However I am also aware that I often make decisions too quickly and do not always fully take into account all of the possible consequences or outcomes. It is frankly impossible to take into account every single possible outcome because no matter what decision I make, I am still headed into uncharted territory for me. However prepared we may think we are to make a decision, we will always make partially blind choices because it is impossible to be fully prepared for something new. The 

Here lies the inner turmoil I experience after every single decision I make. The internal questioning that makes me feel as though writing about decisions and life paths makes me somewhat of a hypocrite, because I myself begin to feel as though I have made a poor decision and chosen the wrong path. Here's what I have learned from my inner struggle: there is no such thing as a wrong decision, only a decision made. And whatever decision was made, there was a justified reason, which will lead to a potentially unexpected outcome. For example, had I not continued my service, I would not have met the people I have met and would not have made the lifetime friends I have made. Also, I would be studying something interesting at school, but would probably be dissatisfied because I would have also rushed into the decision of what to study. Granted I will start school much later than originally anticipated, but at least I will know what I want to be and how to go about doing so. 

The fact of the matter is, I did have something to write about, but I believe I felt ashamed to write it. I felt ashamed that I was questioning myself and my choices. I felt ashamed of the behavior this questioning resulted in. I felt ashamed of the regression I was going through. I felt ashamed of the emotional vulnerability I was suddenly experiencing. 

Well, it's a shame to feel ashamed, and a waste of time. 

I'm so over wasting time. 

This Life of Mine

About two weeks ago, I was sitting in a meeting with some generals and admirals, and I found myself looking around and asking myself how the hell I got there. I found myself suddenly flabbergasted by the fact that this is my life. I couldn't fathom the fact that in 22 years I had brought myself to a point where I was sitting in a room with generals and admirals. It made me take a step back and ask, is this really my life? What would have been if I had made one decision differently somewhere along the path to this point? Would I still be here?

For those of you who don't know, I live in Israel. And as all of you know I'm sure, Israel is in a tough spot right now (most of the time, but especially right now) security wise. I find myself running to shelters on a daily basis, and looking at the scared faces around me and calming them down. And again, I find myself asking how I got here. Almost as if I am outside looking in. And for a split second, I imagine everything differently. I imagine my college degree, my brand new job just out of school, my ambitions, my friends. But after that split second, I return to the inside and reclaim my life.

Some people say that you should never think about what could have been. I, though, actually think that it can be healthy every once in awhile. As soon as we are able to let go of what currently is, and imagine what could have been instead, we give ourselves the ability to gain perspective on the life we are living. We gain perspective on the potential mistakes we made and then realize that they turned out for the best. We gain perspective on the decisions we have made, and the relationships we have, and the experiences we have had. And we realize just how beautiful it all is, or maybe just how much we want to change.

Every time I reclaim my life, I tell myself that this is the life that I chose for myself, and I should be damn proud of it, even of the blemishes along the way. There is not one single person who is living this life of mine, just like there is not one single person who is living that life of yours. We have no choice but to claim it, and hold on tight, because we will never have a different life to live.

This Too Shall Pass

I read a quote the other day that said, in so many words, that man is built to handle anything that life throws at him until the day he dies. As simple and potentially cliche as the quote sounds, it's actually profound. Each individual is built to handle anything that can possibly be thrown in his direction up until the day his body and soul give up. It's actually quite a hope filled statement. It gives the profound understanding that absolutely everything is manageable and most challenges are temporary.

My favorite movie of all time is Big Fish. It is the ultimate storyteller's movie. Everything about the film puts life in perspective, albeit a twisted perspective sometimes. In one of the scenes in the beginning of the film, the main character, Edward, then just a boy, goes to see the town "witch", who has the power to show people how they are going to die through her one glass eye. The boy sees how he is going to die, and after that, no obstacle is too big because he knows that he will come out the other end alive. Given, none of us can really now what the cause of our inevitable deaths will be, but it does shine a positive light on the times we think that we are broken. It lets us know that we can and will be fixed.

I haven't always had an easy time. Growing up I got picked on, in high school I didn't always fit in (and after high school, but it seems less important these days), I moved an ocean away from anything familiar, and I have spent the last three years in an army that is defending a country the size of New Jersey but with more enemies than the guy who turned Cookie Monster into the Veggie Monster. I have been through days where I am alone, and hurting, and broken into a million pieces. On those days, I admit, I didn't see the perspective of Big Fish. On those days, I felt as though the obstacle was too high for me to pass.

I am currently in a huge transition period. I previously mentioned that plans turn upside down, and that is exactly what happened to me. I am now in a state of limbo, between what is/was, and what will be. I find myself frustrated, now knowing what is coming next, and not knowing what to do other than twiddle my thumbs and hope that my efforts are paying off. I feel as though I am being broken down just so that I can build myself back up. And so, between the thumb twiddling and waiting, I must remind myself that this is temporary. This, too, shall pass. I was built to handle this because I am not going to perish from this. My spirit cannot be broken, at least not permanently.

At the end of Big Fish, Edward, now an old man, dies exactly the way he came into the world - in a story. All the hardships he faced in his life became the events that shaped his life. All the days that he felt broken became the days that he felt most alive. I think we can all learn something from that. On days like this when we question our purpose and our actions, we can be comforted by the fact that tomorrow is a new day, that be thankful that we were built to deal with whatever curve balls are thrown at us. This, too, shall pass, but enjoy it while it's here, because it will ultimately be one of the shaping events of your life.

Venn Diagrams in the Sand

When I was in officer training school, we had an educational day in which we could choose from any number of lessons and lectures to attend. I chose to attend a lesson on body language. Body language is fascinating in my opinion. The number of subconscious messages we are sending out at all times is infinite. As part of the lecture, the expert who came to teach us asked for a volunteer. A girl went up, and automatically checked that her shirt was tucked in and the rubber bands holding her pants above her boots were in tact. This is the first sign of discomfort in front of a crowd. When she was done rearranging herself in order to be presentable in front of the class, the lecturer asked her to stand with her feet together, hands at her sides, and to close her eyes. What happened next was pretty incredible. Automatically, her body started moving in circular motions. It was as if she was creating an imaginary circle in the sand that no one could come into. She was creating a circle of personal space. Because her eyes were closed, she had no physical way of knowing if someone was breaching her personal space, so her body automatically compensated by creating a personal circle that no one could cross. Man is programmed to guard his personal space, his circle in the sand.

I see this every day on the bus. Everyone tries to grab a seat or a handle that will keep him as far away as possible from his fellow passenger. No one makes eye contact unless it is completely necessary, and everyone sits with either arms, legs, or both crossed, body language which symbolizes being closed off and uninterested in human contact of any kind. I am guilty of this, too, on most days. However, there are those times when I cannot help but make conversation. I find people to be fascinating. Everyone is different. Everyone is headed somewhere. Everyone has a story. And for the most part, when I start a conversation, even the coldest of people suddenly become warm, because someone is interested. Personal space has been breached, but it's a positive breach. It's the kind of breach that widens the circle in the sand. As soon as we widen that circle, we open ourselves up to new people, new experiences, and the possibility of shared joy, which is really the best kind of joy.

So what am I saying here? Widen the circle in the sand, let someone in. Heck, make a Venn diagram with the circle of the person next to you. Reach out, because you really never know you'll come across.

Man Plans, But Tough Shit

As a general rule, I don't believe in horoscopes. I find them to be pretty ridiculous, and just general enough that anybody reading them can relate somehow. The stars are astronomy, and the course of our days, weeks, or months are, as earlier stated, an outcome of the decisions we make.

This week, though, on a slow morning in the office, we decided to read our horoscopes. The horoscope said that the course I had planned for myself would be turned upside down, completely changed, a 180 transformation. Lo and behold, that's exactly what happened to me this week. My future plans went out the window, and everything changed so rapidly that I had hardly had time to digest it.

I generally don't like the phrase "man plans and G-d laughs" because I don't believe that there is a higher power that plans for us. Though, it is amazing what happens when man plans. I have always been the kind of person who sets a very clear path for myself. Sure, the plan isn't generally mainstream, but it's a plan nonetheless. While G-d might not be laughing, the universe and the many human connections that we have each day are running on a different path, "laughing" at the attempt to pave a new path that isn't meant to be paved. Really, the phrase should be that "man plans, but tough shit". As much as I can plan, the path that I'm paving might not be meant to be.

I have a poster hanging in my room with a John Lennon quote, "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans". The quote used to annoy me a bit, because as I said, I'm a planner. But I'm starting to understand Mr. Lennon a little better. While I'm planning, life is happening outside, and inevitably changing my plans.

So plans turn upside down before they have the chance to play out. That's why life is dynamic. Something is always changing, turning around, falling through. But when that happens, another path is being paved in a different direction, and it's not so bad to explore new paths.

I still don't believe in horoscopes. But I do appreciate the lesson I received from mine this week. It's okay that plans change, it just makes for a more exciting future.

Smile Like a Crazy Person

Every morning, my alarm goes off at 6:20, I get out of bed, brush my teeth, get in uniform, and get out the door at 6:45. Then I take a bus to the central bus station, and another bus to my base. Then it's a full day of work followed by those same two bus rides, only in reverse order. It makes for a long day, especially in the summer with the heat of this Mediterranean country. But in spite of all that, there are those days when I'm on the bus, whether it be the first or the third or even the fourth, and I find myself nodding my head to the beat of the music from my phone and smiling like a crazy person.

The smile is a pretty crazy phenomenon, as is the laugh. The body has natural reactions to everything. Happiness, sadness, anger, nervousness. But there is something about a smile that blows me away. It's the gateway to a persons inner most beauty. Especially when it's on a bus early in the morning or after a long day in the office. At those hours, most people are either trying to sleep through the jerky traffic, or trying to avoid all human contact because they're either too tired to deal or too hot and sweaty from the earlier mentioned Mediterranean heat. But then there's me. The blonde one smiling like a crazy person.

It is a very affirming smile. It is the smile of all smiles. It's the same crazy smile that a person gets at mile 12.5 of a half marathon. It's a smile of success and of victory. It's a smile that tells you that you're doing the right thing. It's uncontrollable, it's completely and totally captivating, and it's permanent, even if it only lasts a few seconds.  

So here's what I'm trying to say: at the least expected times on the least expected days, and when you're hot and sweaty or freezing your ass off, or even when you're so tired that your eyelids weigh more than life itself, smile like a crazy person. Even throw a little dance in there, it can't hurt.